My Heart Pounds Part 2

Well, the previous post I was talking about a boy right? Things didn'treally getalog well with him bu luckily with my help he replied her message and made her laugh by his own joke. ^^ I'm good at all these tricks though~ Maybe that's why Dannie will be happy with me most of the time. I so hope that I born to be a boy... XD Maybe if I'm a boy I can get lots of girls' attraction, who knows? Haha! XD Jus crapping~!

By the way, my brother went for his frisbee competition today, so I'm the one who needs to stay at home and do all the job for tomorrow's Potluck Dinner. Actually what's Potluck? O.o? Where did this word come from? Duh, I'm so curious about it... Can I google it? My friends in Plurk told me that you can search anything by Google, and one cute thing my friend said is... Thanks to Uncle Google~! Hahahahaha!! XDDDD

Today I kept wondering, what's really love? I thought I knew it clearly, 'cause you know, I'm still loving someone in my heart. Suddenly I just couldn't get it. I was frustrated by his messages. Almost all the messages there's always a girl in there. At first I can still stand this frustration, but today, I blast! I don't know why either. It makes me feel like I'm being used! When she's busy only he'll send messages to me. I had enough! I don't want this! Althought I know it's not right to be like that, but I really don't want him to keep talking about that girl! What's going on to me...? I just wanted him to be with me... Maybe...?

Well, now I'm ok already. I'm so selfish. I know he only belongs to her but yet I still want to snatch it over. Maybe just something's wrong with me just now. Haha! XD I'm used to be alone. Well actually I'm not alone. I have Dannie, music, arts, taekwando and all sorts of weird stuffs that can spare my free time. ^^ I don't have to think so much. Hehe! ^^ Just for now I'm scared that if I continue to rely on him I might fall for him, which I don't want it to happen!!!!

Now, I just need to think that he's just a friend, don't expect anything from him. I just keep this mind set and keep the guy in my heart forever in place. I'll never ever lose focus of him anymore. I'm not going to fall for any other guys anymore. I only have him in my heart, one and only. I'll wait... I just need to keep my eyes and my heart, literally close, that's all I got to do. Good luck my friend, find your happiness.

-馨Don't Speak 被你着迷>孤单<-

My Heart Pounds

Taekwando lesson on Wednesday is awful. Master was training our strength on our stomach. I know that part is important for fighters like me. It's better to be painful now to gain achievements on free-sparing. Haha! XD But my stomach muscle really hurts after the intensive training on our body muscle.

Recently I have new friends. I know Carissa, who is my senior in Taekwando but younger than me in terms of age... =.= Guess what, she's Heryeong's cousin!!!! 囧！！！！！！！！！ This is insane! Finally, I believe that Penang is small. Well, not to mention, talking about Heryeong makes me think of Linghan... =.= Carissa knows who is Linghan you know?! Which makes me speechless and no comment. When Carissa told me this I was speechless and remained silence for a few seconds with my mouth wide opened! 囧！ Yes, this expression really reflects my facial expression that day. By the way, Spider is really weird. He never yell at me before. Is he afraid of me? O.o! Weirdo... =.=

Talking about Linghan, he gave my number to a certain guy recently. Well, seems like it's not that bad. We can chat along. We shared lots of things. About our family, our problems and our love problems of course. I told him about Ming, which makes me feel like crying to miss him so much... Well, just got to slowly forget this guy who is in my heart. I'll just keep him as a good memory deep down my heart.

For him, he liked a 15-year-old girl, who studies in PCGHS for 2 months. Seems like that girl doesn't notice him a lot. I'm trying to help him out with that problem. Haha! XD But don't know why I just envy him that he can like someone, and I envy that girl who can be loved by a gentleman. Haiz... How long had I been searching for this romance, but still it slipped away... Although I really envy them, I feel very happy for him that now that girl kinda notice him. She replied his messages and accepted his love for her. So, keep up a good work to get her heart buddy~! ^^ I'll wait for that moment! XD

-馨Don't Speak 被你着迷>孤单<-

I Don't Like CNY... ==

I wish everybody a very happy Valentine's Lunar New Year. This year's CNY is a nice date, which is Feb 14th, celebrating it with Valentine's Day. Although it's a romantic new year, I still don't like it. Well, as usual. I don't like new year.

I went back to my dad's hometown. All the relatives neglected me. I called them respectfully, which is the Chinese tradition, but still they don't care about me! Or even not looking at me in the eye. I felt so sad and frustrated about it. Am I really don't belong to this family? Did I do anything wrong to make them treat me this way? I don't know what to do. But thanks to my friends who cheered me up about this. If not, I don't know who to express how I feel. ^^

Well, while I'm writing now I'm now at my grandma's house, lots of things happened. My uncle now is better than a few years back then. He said I'm very pretty, which I think he's just saying it. If I really am I won't be single and forcing myself to be single. Not like someone who has her beauty to make guys fall for her. I admit I'm not pretty. Haha! XD

Just now I went to my aunt's house to pay a visit to her husband's family. It doesn't seem that everything is going as smooth as I thought. I wanted to write this post earlier, but sudden;y my parents asked us to go to their house. Of course I got fed up. So long ago I didn't get to touch the computer. While I had the chance to touch it then things just popped out.

At my aunt's house, I got 'lectured' by my mum with that radioactive expression. My cousin was on Facebook. He was playing Farmville. Lots of people are playing that game, which to me it was very boring... == My mum thought I played Farmville, then I said I didn't. Since she asked me why so I replied that it's boring. What's wrong with that?! I couldn't understand that. You should say what is in your heart! What is so good to hide it?! Well, my conclusion is, keep my mouth shut next time. When I said this sentence, my dad scolded me for not listening to my mum's advice. Whatever, I don't care that much.

Then, they're talking about the steamboat dinner just now. The purpose is to celebrate my uncle's birthday. But my uncle said that if we wanted to celebrate for him then he is not going. Fine, so we went all together with a reason for family gathering. Well, seems like even though we managed to lure him out, he still didn't enjoy the dinner. To tell the truth, it's just the crowd, nobody enjoyed it.

From all the incidents above, I know that this world is full of lies. Even though it's just all those white lies, they're still lies. Well, this world is really pathetic.

By the way, even though my dad's family neglect me, I still enjoyed listening to funny stories from them. One of my uncle shred with us a story. There's once he worked in Heineken. One day, his boss went to Africa. He asked the helper to wash the car for him. Ya, he's good to follow orders. But who knows, he even washed the inside, but with water!! Haha haha!!!! XD

That day, we went to my belated grandma's sister's house. My brother told me that they were asking about his ambition. Well as usual he said he wants to be an author, in Mandarin is 作家. But they thought is 做家, means doing a house! So they were like 'what is that? what is this job about?' Haha!!! So cute~~~!!!!!!! XD

Conclusion, I like my dad's side more than my mum's side.

-馨Don't Speak 被你着迷>孤单<-

What A Word...

School is a place to pour out your emotions. As for today, I'm kinda down. My dad woke up late in the morning. Ya, I think it's his business again which make him like that recently, which I really don't like it... At first we could managed to arrive school on time. However, I asked money from my dad to pay for the fees I haven't pay. So, we went home with my breakfast took away. He decided to prepare himself to work before fetching me to school. He said give him 5 minutes. Ok, I trust for once 'cause this is about out time, not only mine. Seems like I can't trust his time management anymore, I was extremely late! I'm very frustrated about this! I came to school with a dark face...

Today Katrina is absent, which made me feel kinda empty without her. At least I still have Danicia. Just less a friend that's all... The thing is without her the 'gang' really annoyed me this morning (you'll know who I'm talking about). Cleo wasn't that annoying, as usual. Today is another member of the gang came and asked me something. She asked a very weird question. Although it wasn't annoying but it really stucks in my head now! Ya, I'm not a positive person. I'm 'negatively charged'. I just looked happy, but the fact, no... But at least putting up a smile can brighten up my day and brighten up Danicia's. That's why I stay happy. I'm a 'negative' so? You can't say I'm cosing up myself in my own small world. What about you? Keep sticking with the same people. You don't mix around with people in the class. I know, I observed you everyday. You're always lonely when they dumped you alone. You shou;d've admit that you're the one who is alone. I wanted to help you out but seems like the attitude of yours had changed into someone I don't know anymore. You changed a lot. There's nothing I can do to help you out anymore. Keep sticking with them that's all you can do. I don't know you anymore... But what you said this morning I really keep it in the bottom of my heart, I'll remember it. One day I'm going to show you that you're the one who is wrong!

After school I went to the book exhibition with Danicia. I bought a book there. And another book I booked it~! Haha! XD Well, I'm just curious about the books... == haha! XD

Today's Taekwando lesson is the most interesting lesson ever!!!!!!! XD I love it~! And, I stood with the senior belts again~! Haha! XD Today's special...:-Sparing-!!! Haha! XD love it love it love it!!!!!!!!!!! I teamed up with Danicia again, arranged by master. Haha! XD Thanks master~! ^^ Sparing was full of laughter 'cause another senior black belt master taught us 5 techniques of sparing. Before that we were training for the basic sparing. The higher level you go, the more fun it is~! (some kinda hypothesis or conclusion...?) Well, hope I can remember all the techniques though... Next time I can use it for good~ Especially beating up that Spider... ^^ (wicked smile)

-馨_Don't Speak 被你着迷>孤单<-

Tzu Chi and BIG Disaster!

Again. The whole form 3 went out. Group A is going to Tzu Chi Dialysis Center and their own building for the public-- Jing Tze Tang. And I said it 'proudly' here that I wore the wrong clothing today!!!! >.< Group A should be wearing school uniform today, but seems like I wore something that made me had to be one-day-alien. No!!!!!!!

So just be an alien, and here we are at the dialysis center. The members of Tzu Chi are so passionate. Well, here comes the big drama. They prepare their slide, actually a DVD, to let us know more about their dialysis center. There is a video clip showing about three siblings who live together and help each other. The second eldest brother and the youngest brother both have kidney problems when they are around the teen age. Their father died on an accident, while their mother always go overseas to work. All these situation make them need to take care of themselves. Since both siblings have this problems, they were forced to close the vegetable stall in the market due to can't cope with the time. it's kind of touching. From there I found out that how important our family is. And of course, our lifes.

After the DVD viewing, we went into the dialysis room. As usual, we need to wash our hands to kill the germs. The first patient I saw, oh my god, I know her! She's the one keep asking for donation around my area last time! When I saw her I was kind of shocked or... Astonished?! The scariest thing is I saw the tube she poked it into her viens. It sure IS pain. Well, it's ok. I'm not scared about it but don't know why I almost fainted just now. It was like my heart start pumping so quickly, I blacked out, I asked the teacher for help. Luckily still on time, the members of Tzu Chi helped me a lot. Thanks, I forgot to tell them this. Maybe because I'm sick since yesterday, and I really feel uncomfortable. By the way, heard that my friends said that they saw an old lady doing dialysis. Her blood suddenly stop halfway and fainted! o.O Luckily the nurses are on time to wake her up, if not... You know... She will be gone.

So I waited for my friends to gather. We went to Jing Tze Tang by bus again. It's so pretty! Sorry that I don't have pictures for it. It's japanese style type building. So beautiful! >.< I really appreciated this opportunity to be here. And they were explaining to us about protecting mother Earth. So here are some tips:

1. Don't eat meat! (at least reduce), cause it causes human being need to cut lots of woods to provide space for the animals. Their food need to be prepared and this also cause us to chop down the woods again. The dung and the gas they release are poisonous and it harms the Earth.

2. Reduce the usage of plastic bag and polymer. It realeses acidic gases if it's burned. It can't be dissolve even after 500 years.

This 2 are the biggest points!!!! >.<

After a big presentation by them, I found out (again) that humans just know how to say what they can do, but who really do that? That is the question.

Lastly, I want to let Xiang Yenn know that, I'm not pretending or anything. If you really want to know the truth then ask me. Didn't I tell you that before? Why do you want to hide it? It's not like you. I remember last time you can just put a prank on me and show how much you hated me. But now why? Maybe it's true I say different things to different people. Because I don't know how to express to you guys. I really don't know. I just want everybody to be happy. But seems like it's a big mistake. No, obviously a big mistake. I'm really sorry. So please stop telling people how bad am I, because I think we need to talk. I don't want us to be like that. Please~! I beg you... T-T

'Sorry'... it's not the key to everything...

Is it right to let your parents do everything for you? I don't know. My mother is the world most wonderful mum. She always crave for perfection. But... She... Is the cause of my childishness. I don't know how to satisfy them. It feels like we lack of communication. I can do it, just my mum... She seeks for perfection, nothing can satisfy her if it's not her own doing. But my dad... He is the one who keeps commanding me to help my mum. The biggest problem is my mum keep having everything for herself. I was lectured by my dad just now. So not to say, I was angry, of course, but at the meantime, I was blamming my mum. Why can't she let me do it? She is the one who let me been lectured by my dad, she is the one who causes me to be a useless person. How can I satisfy them...?

This morning, I just made up my mind. I quited my ballet. I hate it the most... But seems like my parents are not very happy about that. I know, but I really can't stand this suffering life. Even though I learnt this for 8 years, I can't anymore. I know myself. I know it's impossible for me to learn anymore. The medicine I'm taking now is giving me cramps to my left part of my body. I can't even balanced properly anymore. So, how can I continue without this simple basic? I don't know what are they thinking. After I informed the teacher about this, my parents keep arguing about this. Didn't they know that its hard for me to make this decision? It's not easy to quit something you leanrt for 8 years and if I can I will be graduated after 3 years. How can I... Easily let go this hard work...? Although I don't like it, but this is my hard work, it's still hard for me to let go you know...? Somehow I really need support. I'm really sad about this. Whatever I did, I'm still a loser in my parents' eyes. I lose everything to my elder brother. He is good in almost everything. And my parents said that this is a mental block that prevents me from success for anything. It's not it!!!! Why did they think that I'm useless in everything?! I don't understand! I'll show them how capable I am, I'll show them that I'm not what they think. Plus, I'm not a problematic child! I don't need a psychologist to communicate with me!!!! I'm not a problematic child!!!!! The problem is you!!! You are the ones who give me this concept!!!! It's you you know?!!! How can you parents didn't realise?!!!!

This year is an important year for me though. But seems like everything doesn't go smoothly. My band was disbanded. I can't blame any band members for this. In the opposite way, I got to thank them~ They gave me expereince being in a band. Really thank you. I'll remember you guys. Even though now Yuusuke was away for his further studies in Japan, I'll still remember him. Special thanks to our coach, Ichimura, guitarist Fuyumi and bassist Shou and most importantly, Yuusuke. He taught me how to play the electric guitar. Hope Yuusuke will be good there. All the best ok? Be famous soon~~~

Back to the topic... Well, sometimes I can't really understand my own family. What's wrong with choosing arts stream? I'm not my elder brother ok?! I can't study! Ya... I can't study... I'm just as useless as you guys think... But I'm not going to let go everything here... I'll try my very best to show you, I'm not that weak!!!! Even without you guys I'll live a good life. I hate you guys... I really hate you guys... I'm sorry but I really don't know how to trust and love you parents... And yes, this time, a sorry from either one of us it's not the key to everything...

Last but not least, thanks for my friends' support. I'm now ok~ Hope Hooi Lin is ok now... If not I'll ask XiiaoPang to take care of you ok? ^^ And this is to him... I'm sorry that I hurt you so much. I hope there is still trust in us. I'm sorry... Maybe a sorry is not eveyrthing. But I'm just can say I'm sorry. And I love you...

-馨Don't Speak 被你着迷>孤单<-

命运的安排

对。。。人总是要受安排。。。不过有时。。。怎么去接受也是另外一回事。。。与其在这世上痛苦，不如闭上眼睛离开。。。？一切梦想已告一段落。本小姐也不想放弃，不过这只手。。。怎么办？

至少我遇到了一些有意气的朋友，支持着我。。。哈哈！我感谢你们。。。不过。。。我刚刚好像是让他生气了。。。希望我再打电话给他会没事。。。囧！！！！那我不写了。。。掰掰。。。

应该不应该。。。

我刚从吉隆坡回来不久，发现脸上的豆豆越来越多！！还好，从吉隆坡回来后的房间打扫出让我豆豆全不见了。。。呵呵。。。在吉隆坡的时候看到自己都会吓到。。。！！>.< 现在至少好多了。。。

自从昨天大扫除的发愤精神，我这几天都像个扫地阿嫂整理过差不多整间家！哈哈！不过那也是好事哦~这不但让我的家看起来比较宽，还可以让父母注意到我的改变~！超开心的~ 这样也可以减轻妈妈的负担吧。。。（我既是变得那么会替他们着想。。。？）

最近我男友好像有问题了。。。晚上有时候想他会发信息给他，但是每次都没有回复。。。有时真的等到我有点厌了。。。所以我那时是放弃了，不要期待太多啦。。。哪知！！！昨天下午他发来一封信息！！！D: 他妈的！！为什么等到人家完全放弃等待才来！！！哪有这样啊！！害到我来不及回信！！！！！我还特地按手机到最快的速度嘞！！！混蛋！！！（连下午6点也来不及噢。。。？等一下也不行噢。。。？！！囧）

现在在下午发信息给你了。。。但是也没有回。。。到底是发生什么事。。。？所以。。。我这份精神也是带来这种更不幸的事？？不要啊！！！！！囧

-馨Don't Speak 被你着迷>孤单<-

一步踏进地狱，一步靠近天堂。

最近我有点情绪失控，不知道为什么。从那天我男友没联络我后，我变得很奇怪。我跟他吵架了。。。我已经够难过了。。。我不想这样。。。后来就去看戏来把情绪哭出来。绝对男友这部联系据让我非常感动，也影响到我想起他所有的缺点。哈哈！到了大结局那里，我还大哭一场呢。。。遜毙了。。。

目前在看一公升的眼泪。这部呢。。。从头到尾我都在哭。。。一方面是因为我感觉到那个生病的女生的痛苦，一方面是因为我真的很伤心。。。再说。。。没有他在我身边，我感觉到真的很寂寞。。。很孤单。。。世界。。。好空。。。

昨晚，我想要找个朋友来谈谈心事。看着我的手机，一个一个按下，我才发现。。。原来真正的朋友真的很难找。。。可是只有一个，应该可以了解我的，就是一个女生。虽然很多人不喜欢她的人格，但不知道为什么好像只有她可以谈谈心事。我承认她的人格不是很好，但是我只有她能分享我的心事，我也因为朋友关系而不能接近她，我很对不起她。。。

自从几天的考虑，我做好了决定。。。我要跟他分手了。。。我忍耐不到了。。。可是。。。我办不到。。。经过朋友所说的。。。虽然我想要，但是我真的办不到。。。对不起。。。尤其是我男友的好朋友。我又跟他讨论过这件事，可是。。。今天。。。很惊讶的。。。他告诉我很多事情。。。到现在还是怀疑他是不是在玩弄我。。。

到下午1.30左右，我传了一封简讯给他。。。我那时很想大骂他！但是我已经没有那个勇气了。万一我在那个时候不小心哭了，还是上到他那怎么办？可是我还是对他狠心一点。。。
“从一开始你是不是要玩我。。。？你是不是在骗我。。。？我要老实话！！”
“不是。。是真心的”
虽然这答案需要很久才能回答，我还是想相信他。所以我现在的情绪稳定下来了。。。没错。。。我还是爱他。。。我已经被爱蒙蔽了眼睛了。。。

-馨Don't Speak被你着迷>孤单<-

大惊喜！！！>.<

我联络上他了~！超开心的~~~~~！！！^^还好他也没生我的气啦。。。可是跟他讲话的时候，我发现了很多东西。第一封简讯是我发的，感觉也不会奇怪，因为每次都是我主动发简讯给他的啊。。。那时是晚上11.26。

“睡了吗。。。？睡了的话很抱歉打扰啦。。。因为睡不下想聊天。。。”
“出日本回来了？”
“没去啦。。。我最近在家啊。。。闷死了。。。”
“我也很闷。。。还没找到工。像废人一个”
“我也是呢。。。虽然有功，但我也不能去。。。”
“做么呢？”
“我星期三要退党的时候给人家打伤了。。。这也是我不能联络你的原因。。。现在还好。。。可以走。。。”
“退党？进了那能出的”
“就是这样出咯。。。要出就给钱。。。简单。。。那党派也不是很大而已。。。我也只是个不同会员。。。你不知道党派又分阶级吗？”
“我知道啊”
“我已经出序号前来等着这一天了。。。终于我自由了。。。但是我永远记得。。。进入这种世界让我很后悔。。。”
“退出要多少钱”
“你猜嘞？”
“不懂咯”
“没错的话。。。我给他们我三年的储蓄。。。那就是。。。有1000000吧。。。嗯。。。对了。。。不会很多。。。”
“不可能吧”
“你是不是有些事情没有告诉我。。。？你以前是不是有参过这样的人？跟我一样的过去？”
“我也有进的，可是能进不能出了”
“噢。。。难怪。。。可是我的不是什么大党派啦。。。所以这种小小惩罚也不能怪吧。。。那你想出吗。。。？”
“不想了”
“做么嘞？”
“因为不能出咯”
“哈。。。还有这样的噢。。。你几时进的？”
“很久了咯”
“那真的不能出了。。。做么你没跟我讲过这件事呢？”
我和他的对话就停在这里。。。我猜想是因为他想到一些事，不想让我知道。。。但是我要他知道，我的耳朵是准备听的，我的手是准备伸出来把他救起来，我的肩膀是随时给他靠的。我开始觉得我还是不够了解他，所以我尽量要知道它到底有什么过去。。。可是我又害怕让他想起不开心的事。我真的不知道要怎样去了解他多一点，他也不是常讲话的人，我要用什么方法呢？求神告诉我，到底要怎么做？

我真的，真的很后悔当初进入这种有点黑色会的世界，所以我不想看到我周围的人也像我这样的下场。但是现在我这么喜欢的人在遇难，我也不忍心看着他这样啊！可是我真的不知道该怎样救他，我无能为力，我也不够力量把他从那种世界就出来。除非我现在有了比他党派大的力量，然后就用这力量来把他的党派毁掉。但是这些都只是白说。。。我现在真的真的很希望我回去一个很大的党派，慢慢再爬到队长的职位。虽然一定会后悔，但是为了救他。。。为了救他。。。

-馨Don't Speak被你着迷>孤单<-

是我，老师，还是父母？

今天在音乐学院练习时，老师给我一本练习簿。里面有好多大鼓的拍子，后面几页看起来蛮复杂的。。。刚好今天老师翻开到后面那几页，看到一页写满了很多很奇怪的拍子。虽然老师说很容易这样，我也只是对他微笑一下，但是心里开始紧张起来。这可是我最不拿手的拍子呢！朝紧张的！！而且，我的老师不是那么容易就可以满足他的，它是非常有经验的老师，看起来大概也要到40岁了。

每次都给我10分钟练习后就要打出顺顺的歌来。对今天的我是在做不到，虽然老师也没怪我，但是我的心里有一种失败的感觉。我让老师失望了。。。加上今天他告诉我下两个星期日他要动手术，更让我觉得我要用我全身的力，好好学习达到最高境界。从一开始，我一直尽力要达到像老师一样的境界，但那要很久的时间吧？我也不会因此而放弃，因为我真的真的要变成一个有名的打鼓手，我也决定好如果真的达到目标，我会很感激我的老师。就算我达到目标的那天，可能他已经不在了，我也会告诉其他人是他，用心教会我，为我付出他的时间。我也会为了老师正一分光。

回来的时候，我回到房间里，看着老师给我的练习簿，想象音乐播着。可是因为刚才在那儿练习到很累，不知不觉睡着了。。。我父母也不知道我睡着了，都怪我开着灯。。。结果睡到7点半的时候被我妈妈叫醒了。那时我有点半睡眠状态，发生什么事都半知道而已。本来要到一家我们一家人还没去过的餐厅吃的，哪知已经出租了？！结果，全部计划好的事变得乱七八糟，爸爸先到他朋友家拿点东西。在车上还说不会花很多时间，结果呢？等他半小时去了！而且那时全家人都很饿呢。。。

我们到另一个地方吃东西，那儿看起来暗暗的。。。有点恐怖。。。可能是因为已经要到网上点了吧。。。？还好美食盖过了本小姐的火气。。。^^刚好电视在播一部很好看的戏，连最会控制自己的爸爸都在一面吃一面看~！好啊！这是没有人会被骂了~！嗯。。。现在换成体育节目，更不用说啦！！结果还让我们两母女等着这两位大少爷看到满意才走呢！所以。。。有时候父母并不一定是对的吧？看吧~你们身为父母的也不是什么神啦。。。所以少自以为是吧！！
P.S. 明天要联络他了！！！！好紧张噢！！！！！！>.<

-馨Don't Speak被你着迷>孤单<-

我喜欢你，还是爱你爱到快疯了？

朋友曾经告诉我：“爱是深深的喜欢，喜欢是淡淡的爱。”这句话，望这两方面而已来看，也有它对的地方。但是真正的世界里，真的是如此吗？可能我的生活比较复杂，依然有可能我没像他们那么快成熟。怎样分清喜欢个奶呢？虽然现在的我承认我有喜欢的人了，我不敢确定到底我只是喜欢他，还是爱他过度。或许珍惜一个人是爱？脑海里就算睡觉关起眼睛也会想起那个人是爱吗？不管去到哪里总是想要和那个人一起来是爱吗？就算遇到几次的威胁，困难，还是阻止都逼着自己一定要和那个人在一起是爱吗？到底哪一个是爱？哪一个是喜欢。。。？

我坦白告诉你们，我爸爸不是很喜欢我的男友。我也不能怪我爸爸，也不能怪我男友，我只能怪自己喜欢上他。他没有学历，职业也不是很稳定，不怪爸爸不是很鼓励我认定他；我男友刚刚被开除，学历也没了，职业当然现在很不稳定啊。。。他没有学历是因为在他就读一所在吉打得独中时一直缺席，校方没办法要开除他，也可怜他吧。。。可是万一！我的感情深得无法自拔呢？难道我父母就像拆散我们了吗？我还不清楚他的父母对我的看法，所以我对他的感情还没到那么深啦。。。毕竟我还年轻，机会还多得是。。。但是我对他是真心的。。。

昨晚，我有试看联络他，但是我还是没办法告诉他我没办法联络他的原因。我没有勇气，我也很自责为什么不能对自己喜欢的人坦白一点呢？都已经是在一起了为什么还是无法坦白呢？难道是我还没到能信任他的地步？昨晚一方面在鼓起勇气对他老实点，一方面在想着告诉他后悔有什么下场？他会不会不喜欢？所以那天晚上我睡不好。后来我传了一封简讯给他：最近没有联络你，真的很抱歉。。。再等多一天，我就能好好联络你了。。。请忍耐噢。。。我已经四天没联络他了，但我也没期待他会回信。过了大概10分钟，他回信了，一个字“噢”。虽然这回答有点敷衍了我，但是不知道为什么，他每一封简讯，都能使我放下心来，好好睡一觉，睡觉时还会露出一丝笑容。或许他在追求我的时候就使出魔法了？

在我认识他那时候，他低着头，害羞着。在网上跟他聊天也很少讲话；在外更不用说了，连看着我的脸都不敢看呢！可是不知不觉我们喜欢上对方。第一次和他约会的时候大概是晚上10点半了，当然那时有朋友陪着我去见他一下下啦。。。那时我们坐在一个地方，鸦雀无声，他在坐在我对面看着我。当前我翻过去看他，他却脸红着散开了。现在想起来，他虽然是过着大男人的生活了，但是他的性格和一举一动还是像个小孩子，天真无邪的感觉。可能就是这样我喜欢他吧？我记得我们散会后，她说我对他很冷淡（？）是很抱歉啦。。。但是！那是真的！场面不适合嘛！！！而且他那天又燃了她的头发！再说！那天朋友在场！而且！而且。。。他染了头发后显得比较。。。帅。。。>//_//<

可是不知道为什么，我朋友对他的看法是。。。“他很像一只狼狗。。。”或是“他好帅噢！但还没到明星那种衰的地步啦~你眼光真不错噢~！要好好把握呢！”好。。。我承认他的行为有时像狼人，性格的改变跟着月亮的改变。但是他哪里像一只狼狗啊？！你们到底是怎样啊？！算了。。。反正他不介意。。。我不跟你们算这帐。。。但是我想告诉你们，虽然你们不喜欢这样不会主动，不体贴的男生。我跟他还活在一起，不需要你们操心了。。。（谁说他不体贴啊。。。？！！！你们没看到他体贴的一面罢了。。。）

-馨Don't Speak被你着迷>孤单<-

可怜的你

我对不起他...已经是第四天我没跟他联络了...可是,如果他担心我的话...应该会自己联络我一下吧...我好想念他.虽然父母知道我跟他之间的事,但是在联络上真的很有困难...加上父母控制着我的电话费,我更不能乱花了...T-T 好困噢...

为什么父母限制我只能用RM10呢?为免太少了吧?可是,我自己有其他两个电话号码...自己给电话的钱,所以应该没关系...钱也是我的...我知道...有很多父母亲说孩子花了一大笔钱和时间在电话上.那你们呢?你们整天用到那么多,但每次都责怪在孩子的身上.不是每个父母都是这样...我只是对我自己父母的限制有点不满...

重点是...最近我不敢面对他...虽然他是我最亲的一个人,但每次做了某些事,他会指点我,用诚恳的心来关心我.他就像我的大哥哥,有什么事他会帮我;遇到危险会保护着我;任何不开心的事他会帮你忘记;开心的事一起分享.

问题是现在我受重伤着,我不想让他看到,也不想让他知道.我不知道他有没有担心着我,但是每次想起他等着我的电话的心情,让我心痛...真的很对不起...真的...真的...对不起...

-馨_Don't Speak 被你着迷>>孤单<<-

告诉你们我的秘密。。。

在我小的时候，我有一个梦想。。。但是。。。这梦想对我的家庭来说，是非创造能够不被鼓励的。。。那时候，他们以为我在开小孩子玩笑。我知道，很多时候，人们都一直用“他们还小，不懂事”这个借口。但，我认为呢是在逃避现实。。。所以后来我不提我真正的梦想，是因为，我也变成想逃避现实的人。

到了初中时期，朋友也不见人影，一个人孤单的，把自己锁起来似的。到了初中二，我的生活开始改变，而我父母。。。什么都不知道。。。家庭沟通？格呢不能就没在我生活里。。。就算父母有时问起，我也是敷衍的回答。。。

因为初中二的时候闹了太多时，我给人家很深刻的印象。可是，父母，还是不知道到底犯生什么事。。。虽然父母为我付出很多，我还是感觉不到。。。爱。。。究竟在哪里。。。？

今年到了高中一，父母要我转学到附近的新学校。目前开始招收男生入学，但我那年的还是全女生的。人家所知道的女生，是野蛮的。但我的生活，只有讲义气，靠拳头的女生。。。

现在的我，生活里发生的事。。。都是秘密。。。家人不知道。。。在外的我，是个流浪仔，带着霉运的黑猫。。。而且，我打了耳洞，那么明显。。。父母。。。一点也没注意吗。。。？也算了。。。反正我世界有父母也等于没有。。。

我不是人家所说的坏孩子，我只是没地方去了。。。只有像现在我生活的世界，拥有我的生存之地。。。我相信你们都认为，这是很叛逆的行为。。。但是我也认为。。。你们不了解我们的困境。。。我不介意外人给我的眼光。。。只要我会的下来。。。就是这样过活着。。。如果有一天，父母终于张开眼睛，我只能告诉他们。。。：“对不起。。。虽然这样让你们失望。。。但是我不能回头了。。。你们当着我已经死了吧。。。”

-馨_Don't Speak 被你着迷>>孤单<<-