I miss you

  I don't know what did I do to have such a miserable 2nd semester of my college life. Every thing just happened suddenly and I feel like I'm going to break apart soon.

  TM has been sticking to a jerk's ass recently and it hurts to see that our friend is following the wrong person. I mean, it's not wrong that she likes someone but out of all people why THAT jerk?! D: She can do better than this. Well, I guess they just suit each other.

  What I know now is TM isn't the person we used to know. I feel so hurt when I knew things that she did that hurt all of us as close friends. I even cried in his arms when I heard all these horrible things she did. But to be honest, I don't fully believe in what I heard. Well don't get me wrong, it's just I want to know the truth and I wish to hear all of these from TM herslef. I seriously she will just come up to us and say it.

  Well, when the time comes, I seriously don't know how to react to that. Will I forgive her or not? I don't know... If what I knew were true, then I possibly might not forgive her. Or maybe forgive her but I woudn't forget what she had done. But honestly, I really do miss her. It was like 2 weeks or so since she followed that piece of shit around. How I hope that jerk didn't do or say anything to her that could change her.

  Actually after I have calmed down, I was thinking maybe she did care for us. Most of the time she was thinking of us just she was talking something bad about us behind our backs. I'm still not sure what she had done but if this was really true, then I can just say this might be her way of showing that she cares for us. She spent so much time with her till she can see our flaws and observed us all these 6 months.

  If that jerk really did do something to her, I'll stab him a thousand times and make him feel the pain we expereinced. I might even hit her but will still give her a helping hand after that. TM, we are always here for you if you need us back although we might hate you for what you've done. But, feel free to come home anytime. We know you have your own hardships and we hope that you can share with us so that we can help you. You really don't need to get other people's reaction like that jerk to hear you out and say something nice that poison you. If you fall, we'll be your safe zone behind catching you from the fall. We miss you TM. We really miss you. Especially WL... She cried for you so much. Please, don't hurt her any further...

It's all my fault

   Hey peeps, I just came back from Anime Festival Asia 2011 Malaysia yesterday. It was really good! Better than my expectation. Maybe I did over degraded Malaysia's standard at first. Actually, I went there just to see KANAME and have fun at the maid or butler cafe. So in the end I fulfilled my wish. XD I saw KANAME and I went to the butler cafe. :) Unfortunately I didn't get to enjoy the service in the maid cafe as the queue was too long. /~\...

  However, many things happened that only the both of us (not going to mention the name) know what's going on. I don't know why things will turn out that way. But I feel like because of me, I made him this way and now he's trying to stay a distance away from me. Sighs... I wanted the club committee to be a happy group of people but I don't know why it ended up this way now. /~\...

  Oh yes, and today I went out to have a movie with my friends and they were talking about one of our buddies that she's now getting further away from us cause it seems like she's following a guy more than she's hanging out with us. We are seriously worried about her cause that guy isn't good at all! D: Well, after what we discussed, I finally realized that they were really worried about me when I was once very close with a guy, who is admired by an insane girl who'll "kill" anybody in her way to get him. I'm sorry guys... To let you guys worried so much about me previously. But seriously, I'm fine. It's nothing. :)

  Well, I do hope it's nothing. Cause actually just now he just asked me a very weird question. 'If I told you that I like as in a romantic way, not the brother-sister love, how will you react?' he asked. But he knew what I'm going to answer anyway. Well, it's not I'm trying to think too much but what if he really likes me in that way...?

  Gosh... Everything's changing around me... /~\...

爱生活

  吵架后和好的感觉真的无法形容… 就是觉得心忽然轻得要从身体里飘出来… 两个亲友吵架其实蛮正常的… 吵了一会儿就会和好… 就那么简单~ 当然一开始还是有点尴尬… 不过慢慢地又适应了，变成以往那样吵吵闹闹~ 可是我还是希望你不要因为我的话而放弃她，好吗?

  老实说… 我自己也不知道为什么我会认为我对你有超越朋友界限的感情… 可能是我很渴求有个人对我关心?! D: 不会吧! 或许是荷尔蒙的错… =,=... 可是当我冷静下来… 我还是觉得我们不可能在一起啦! 神经的! D:

  朋友，现在我们像以往这样一起疯疯癫癫的… 我已经满足了… ^^

  至于其他人… 谢谢你们在我低潮的时候给我的鼓励和关怀… ^^

  当然，这五个月的学员生活真的真的… 让我最感动的是我这第一组朋友…! :D 如果没有你们我真的不知道我的学员生活会过得怎样… 这就是缘分给我的礼物吧? ^^ 每次想到你们就会给自己一丝微笑… 有事的时候一想到你们我就觉得很安心… 因为我知道我们永远都会在一起… 我知道我们都会一起努力，一起付出… 有你们在我什么都不怕了… 就算有时会遇到挫折，还是受到别人的威胁，我都不怕…我知道你们会在后面支持我… 谢谢你们… 认识你们，我开始爱自己的生活… 甚至知道我生存下来是因为到我人生最拼的时刻我会遇见你们… 你们给我了勇气+欢笑… 我真的很爱你们…! TwT...

  Jo Anne, Wey Lyn, Tze Ming, Miyumi, Cheng Yee, Jing Yao, Sze Yuan, Mindy, Kimberly, Daniel, 你们都在我的人生里留下了意义… <3 

一瞬间…

  这短短的五个月里我认识了你… 还记得一开始只是知道彼此的存在… 不过缘分让我们认识了对方… 当然我没有后悔过我们现在的友情已经是到话不用多说的地步。你我都知道对方下一句会说什么… 反应会是什么… 喜欢什么… 不喜欢什么… 当然有时还是琢磨不到对方… 不过还是要谢谢缘分吧我们拉近距离~ 虽然曾经吵架过… 但我一直坚信这只是把我们的友情变得更强的过程…

  还记得第一次吵架… 我在电话上哭着，挑战了我对你的信任… 我哭，是因为当我给你那么多机会誊清自己，你都不要争取那个机会… 你反而认为我就像其他人… 不想让我知道比较好… 但最痛的，其实是你对我的温柔… 我发现自己在无理取闹的时候，你竟然赖你自己伤害了我… 就是因为你对我越好，我越理所当然地接受你对我的宽容… 谢谢你…

  现在是我们第二次吵架了… 或许是我太迟发现自己竟然被感情控制得那么糟糕，让你胡思乱想了… 或许是我一时心急，我的霸占心又再次被启动… 因为我一时想太多，我真的好害怕会失去你这个好哥哥… 我也不想要你忘了我这个小妹… 我希望你虽然有了别人，你还是会记得我… 希望我们还会见面… 见面时还会像现在一样有说不完的话… ^^ 不过你反而觉得你失去的那些亲友们是因为你是个喜新厌旧的人才离开你… 虽然现在很想告诉你这些，但我相信今夜的你是不会听进去了~ /~\... 不过我真的很想知道… 为什么连续这两次的吵架，我的话你都听进去了就乱想，然后就被我的话影响你对你自己的看法… 我真的很不明白…

  我真的不希望这次的吵架会毁了我们的友情… 拜托了…

No more...

  Long time not posting anything here. I decided to write something here cause it's faster to type in English or Mandarin here rather than typing Japanese (which I'm not very good at it yet) on Ameblo.

  It's been 5 months since my college life started. Things have changed within me and around me. I started my Taekwondo lesson somewhere near my house since last year end. So no more Xing Long and I seldom contact  my high school best friend cause I think I just couldn't wait for her anymore.

  I started to move on after what happened during my high school years. But for some reason, I started to have feelings for someone... Which I don't wish to happen. He's not my type of guy either but I just accidentally liked him. However, I never tell him anything about this. I just realized i liked him recently cause whenever he talks about another who he might give her a chance to unlock his heart. I would always act as if I don't mind and I'll support him.

  We're like brother and sister. We quarrel everyday but everything's just a joke. We just feel happy the way things are now. But one day he told me he gave a chance to a girl for her to unlock his heart, I started to feel all so shocked and down at the same time. I didn't want to admit the feelings I have for him, until now. I'm now trying to just keep this feeling to the corner of my mind and just tell my mind and my heart that none of these happen. I just don't want to break our friendship. And I swear to myself I won't feel anything like this anymore cause it's just a nuisance to me. Romantic relationships just never ever work out on me. Either it's the guy isn't interested in me or the guy leaves me after he found another better girl. I had enough of this. No more!

  So just to speak out here, after this post, I'll end my feelings right here, right now!

Drive~

Before sharing about my first driving experience, I would like to share what happened during school before the holidays.

Guess what, my bestie fainted in the biology lab! D: I was really shocked that I stood there didn't know how to react when I saw her face as white as sheet. Luckily I asked others to help her so she didn't fall down to the ground. Of course, she collapsed and I think it's due to stress and lack of sleep. Anyway, it's good that she's better now but still I pray for her health. /~\...

Ok, back to my driving experience. So... Yesterday I went back to my driving school to have lessons again. This is the last theory lesson and after that I got to drive in the circuit. It was fun and exciting! XD I almost hit the cub, my car moved backwards, and I drove too fast... That really scared my tutor though. Fortunately he's a patient teacher to teach me.

The worst thing ever is I met Spider at my driving school! WTH! Of all people I met him?! This time I didn't call out for him as he seemed like doesn't wanna talk to me. I'm just doing the same since even if I talked to him or called out to him his reaction is always the same -- dumb-struck! Hmph! Since he's acting this way then I'm not gonna be so nice to him too! Who cares?!

Anyway, it was nice to drive although my leg hurts after driving a manual car... /o\... I'll be going back to my driving school this Thursday if possible. :)

Terrible Dreams

Today is the 15th day of the 7th month according to the Chinese Lunar Calendar. It's a bad day. I mean the worst day as today is a full moon in the month of the hungry ghosts and I had the worst dream ever.

Mum, Dad, Sister, I missed you...
I dreamed of my babysitter's husband, whom I also called him my Daddy. He passed away approx. a year ago due to the scariest Leukimia (blood cancer, where your white blood cell count increases rapidly and your red blood cell and platelet count decreases below the minimum requirement a lot). I met my babysitter, whom I also called my Mum, Daddy and my their youngest daughter, whom I called her my sister, somewhere nearby the apartment we used to live with my babysitter. It was about 7.30pm, I was gonna have my dinner before my Taekwondo practice. They invited me to dinner with them. So I did. I was having so much fun until I totally forgot my practice. When I looked at my watch, it was 9.15pm! I was late for my practice. I need to go! I tried to make it on time but in the end I couldn't. I didn't attend the class nor I went back to dinner with them. I was lost.

As I'm typing about this dream now, I feel like crying. I seriously feel so pain in my heart. I missed them... I really wanna see them...! I want us to be back together... Please...

Having An Affair?
I dreamed of my childhood friend being lovey-dovey. But the truth is we can't even look each other in the eye. How can we be all so "sugary"? We were holding hands and went to sleep. We even hugged each other in my dream! D: I was being not loyal to Ryuu in my dreams... Goodness me... @.@ It's the second time I dreamed about him and I being like this...

My Life Comes to An End
Yesterday night I dreamed of my mum and I went to see a doctor for a check-up. I had forgotten what the doctor had said, but I know it was something bad, really bad. I saw my mum burst in tears sitting behind me, crying with her hands covering her face. I have never in my life seen her crying that badly before. It was really sad to see her cry like this and in the meantime it was scary 'cause I don't know what happened that made her cried that badly.

Then, the next scene I saw myself lying down on the hospital bed in the ICU. It was terrible. I finally knew what happened. I had a severe heart disease. it actually can be cured but when I found out that I had this disease, it was too late for the doctor to do anything. So, I'm just waiting for my life to end in this hospital. My eyes closed and machines and droplets were everywhere around me. Although I was so sick, I looked so beautiful lying on the sick bed, honestly. I had black slightly-waved long hair and a pretty face like someone had a perfect plastic surgery. Really, in dreams, you can be as beautiful as you want. The only thing made me not-so-perfect was I couldn't talk. I just breathe through machines and counting the days how much more longer can I live.

I heard my mum's voice. She talked to me everyday. I knew she hoped that I could be cured or even just open my eyes was good enough. She held my hand so tightly that I felt her hand squeezed my heart, so sad... I even dreamed of my friends talking to me but I just couldn't answer them. I really wanted to tell all these people how I felt towards them all these while but my lips wouldn't move. My tears were rolling in my eyes every time they spoke to me and hoping for me to wake up and be the lively me again. I saw my Taekwondo friends who I knew from Ryuu couldn't even smile as they used to. They even shed their tears when they went out of the ICU.

Lastly, I dreamed of Ryuu. He said,"Hey, stupid kitty, sick kitty. Why don't you wake up? You've slept long enough. Don't be so lazy...! Wake up already, idiot. Didn't you say you wanna beat me in any Taekwondo matches? Didn't you say you want to have a class of your own with many students who will bring back medals? Stupid cat...". Then, he held my hand to his forehead. I could feel his tears on my hand. "Oh no... Don't cry..." I wanted to tell him this but I wasn't able to do so. And finally he said something after a long silence. And right after hearing what he said, a drop of tears flowed out from the side of my left eye. Beeeeeeepppp.... The screen of the machine showed no wave anymore. Just a straight line. My breath stopped...

You know what he said before my last breathe? He said,"I don't think you know this as you're just so stupid and slow. I told you "fingers" told me to wait but you still couldn't get it. Remember what we talked about during our second date on the hill having our first dinner together? I really didn't know fate will be this cruel to make you like this though. I really wish that we could have more memories but fate didn't allow me to do so. And... Actually... I wanted to say this for a long time... I love you."

In my heart, I said,"Why? Why are you telling me this now? Why? Why won't fate let you tell me this sooner? Why don't I realize that I had this disease for such a long time? If I could I really wanna be with you but fate allow me to do nothing... I'm sorry for making everybody suffer... I'm sorry for leaving you behind... I'm sorry I leave a deep scar on your heart... I'm sorry I didn't manage to fulfill our promises... I'm sorry... I love you too..."

Ah... If this is made into a short story wouldn't it be tragic...? Anyway, it's bad to have dreams of yourself dying during the hungry-ghost month though. Nothing to be happy about. And before something like this really happened, I would like to tell everybody around me that I appreciate you guys so much and love you guys from the bottom of my heart, seriously. Thank you for everything.