No more...

  Long time not posting anything here. I decided to write something here cause it's faster to type in English or Mandarin here rather than typing Japanese (which I'm not very good at it yet) on Ameblo.

  It's been 5 months since my college life started. Things have changed within me and around me. I started my Taekwondo lesson somewhere near my house since last year end. So no more Xing Long and I seldom contact  my high school best friend cause I think I just couldn't wait for her anymore.

  I started to move on after what happened during my high school years. But for some reason, I started to have feelings for someone... Which I don't wish to happen. He's not my type of guy either but I just accidentally liked him. However, I never tell him anything about this. I just realized i liked him recently cause whenever he talks about another who he might give her a chance to unlock his heart. I would always act as if I don't mind and I'll support him.

  We're like brother and sister. We quarrel everyday but everything's just a joke. We just feel happy the way things are now. But one day he told me he gave a chance to a girl for her to unlock his heart, I started to feel all so shocked and down at the same time. I didn't want to admit the feelings I have for him, until now. I'm now trying to just keep this feeling to the corner of my mind and just tell my mind and my heart that none of these happen. I just don't want to break our friendship. And I swear to myself I won't feel anything like this anymore cause it's just a nuisance to me. Romantic relationships just never ever work out on me. Either it's the guy isn't interested in me or the guy leaves me after he found another better girl. I had enough of this. No more!

  So just to speak out here, after this post, I'll end my feelings right here, right now!

Drive~

Before sharing about my first driving experience, I would like to share what happened during school before the holidays.

Guess what, my bestie fainted in the biology lab! D: I was really shocked that I stood there didn't know how to react when I saw her face as white as sheet. Luckily I asked others to help her so she didn't fall down to the ground. Of course, she collapsed and I think it's due to stress and lack of sleep. Anyway, it's good that she's better now but still I pray for her health. /~\...

Ok, back to my driving experience. So... Yesterday I went back to my driving school to have lessons again. This is the last theory lesson and after that I got to drive in the circuit. It was fun and exciting! XD I almost hit the cub, my car moved backwards, and I drove too fast... That really scared my tutor though. Fortunately he's a patient teacher to teach me.

The worst thing ever is I met Spider at my driving school! WTH! Of all people I met him?! This time I didn't call out for him as he seemed like doesn't wanna talk to me. I'm just doing the same since even if I talked to him or called out to him his reaction is always the same -- dumb-struck! Hmph! Since he's acting this way then I'm not gonna be so nice to him too! Who cares?!

Anyway, it was nice to drive although my leg hurts after driving a manual car... /o\... I'll be going back to my driving school this Thursday if possible. :)

Terrible Dreams

Today is the 15th day of the 7th month according to the Chinese Lunar Calendar. It's a bad day. I mean the worst day as today is a full moon in the month of the hungry ghosts and I had the worst dream ever.

Mum, Dad, Sister, I missed you...
I dreamed of my babysitter's husband, whom I also called him my Daddy. He passed away approx. a year ago due to the scariest Leukimia (blood cancer, where your white blood cell count increases rapidly and your red blood cell and platelet count decreases below the minimum requirement a lot). I met my babysitter, whom I also called my Mum, Daddy and my their youngest daughter, whom I called her my sister, somewhere nearby the apartment we used to live with my babysitter. It was about 7.30pm, I was gonna have my dinner before my Taekwondo practice. They invited me to dinner with them. So I did. I was having so much fun until I totally forgot my practice. When I looked at my watch, it was 9.15pm! I was late for my practice. I need to go! I tried to make it on time but in the end I couldn't. I didn't attend the class nor I went back to dinner with them. I was lost.

As I'm typing about this dream now, I feel like crying. I seriously feel so pain in my heart. I missed them... I really wanna see them...! I want us to be back together... Please...

Having An Affair?
I dreamed of my childhood friend being lovey-dovey. But the truth is we can't even look each other in the eye. How can we be all so "sugary"? We were holding hands and went to sleep. We even hugged each other in my dream! D: I was being not loyal to Ryuu in my dreams... Goodness me... @.@ It's the second time I dreamed about him and I being like this...

My Life Comes to An End
Yesterday night I dreamed of my mum and I went to see a doctor for a check-up. I had forgotten what the doctor had said, but I know it was something bad, really bad. I saw my mum burst in tears sitting behind me, crying with her hands covering her face. I have never in my life seen her crying that badly before. It was really sad to see her cry like this and in the meantime it was scary 'cause I don't know what happened that made her cried that badly.

Then, the next scene I saw myself lying down on the hospital bed in the ICU. It was terrible. I finally knew what happened. I had a severe heart disease. it actually can be cured but when I found out that I had this disease, it was too late for the doctor to do anything. So, I'm just waiting for my life to end in this hospital. My eyes closed and machines and droplets were everywhere around me. Although I was so sick, I looked so beautiful lying on the sick bed, honestly. I had black slightly-waved long hair and a pretty face like someone had a perfect plastic surgery. Really, in dreams, you can be as beautiful as you want. The only thing made me not-so-perfect was I couldn't talk. I just breathe through machines and counting the days how much more longer can I live.

I heard my mum's voice. She talked to me everyday. I knew she hoped that I could be cured or even just open my eyes was good enough. She held my hand so tightly that I felt her hand squeezed my heart, so sad... I even dreamed of my friends talking to me but I just couldn't answer them. I really wanted to tell all these people how I felt towards them all these while but my lips wouldn't move. My tears were rolling in my eyes every time they spoke to me and hoping for me to wake up and be the lively me again. I saw my Taekwondo friends who I knew from Ryuu couldn't even smile as they used to. They even shed their tears when they went out of the ICU.

Lastly, I dreamed of Ryuu. He said,"Hey, stupid kitty, sick kitty. Why don't you wake up? You've slept long enough. Don't be so lazy...! Wake up already, idiot. Didn't you say you wanna beat me in any Taekwondo matches? Didn't you say you want to have a class of your own with many students who will bring back medals? Stupid cat...". Then, he held my hand to his forehead. I could feel his tears on my hand. "Oh no... Don't cry..." I wanted to tell him this but I wasn't able to do so. And finally he said something after a long silence. And right after hearing what he said, a drop of tears flowed out from the side of my left eye. Beeeeeeepppp.... The screen of the machine showed no wave anymore. Just a straight line. My breath stopped...

You know what he said before my last breathe? He said,"I don't think you know this as you're just so stupid and slow. I told you "fingers" told me to wait but you still couldn't get it. Remember what we talked about during our second date on the hill having our first dinner together? I really didn't know fate will be this cruel to make you like this though. I really wish that we could have more memories but fate didn't allow me to do so. And... Actually... I wanted to say this for a long time... I love you."

In my heart, I said,"Why? Why are you telling me this now? Why? Why won't fate let you tell me this sooner? Why don't I realize that I had this disease for such a long time? If I could I really wanna be with you but fate allow me to do nothing... I'm sorry for making everybody suffer... I'm sorry for leaving you behind... I'm sorry I leave a deep scar on your heart... I'm sorry I didn't manage to fulfill our promises... I'm sorry... I love you too..."

Ah... If this is made into a short story wouldn't it be tragic...? Anyway, it's bad to have dreams of yourself dying during the hungry-ghost month though. Nothing to be happy about. And before something like this really happened, I would like to tell everybody around me that I appreciate you guys so much and love you guys from the bottom of my heart, seriously. Thank you for everything.

Little Moments

~Little Moments with My Mum~
Do anyone of you thought of going back to the past? I had this thought after seeing my mum had the most beautiful smile on her face when she was with a little boy at my training center. I had never seen before that smile of hers. It was really heart-warming that my tears almost rolled out of my eyes. I wondered, years ago when I was still a little girl who didn't know anything, how can I forget what had happened before? How was my mum look like during those times? Ah... Seeing her smile really make me feel like crying...

~Little Moments with My Neighbor/Senior~
Nowadays I realized many sides of this interesting guy. Honestly, he wasn't that bad. He seems quiet but actually he just like any other young adults. He wasn't that boring either. He also make mistakes though. I always thought he was a perfectionist and cold-hearted. Everything looks so cold and perfect if it's him. However, sometimes he can be really funny, caring and a little clumsy. (≡^∇^≡)ﾆｬﾊﾊ There are times he tends to forget where is my house. There are times when he wanted to show concern but doesn't know how to put it in words. There are times when he turns into a bad boy, cursing people and break the traffic rules. He's getting interesting... ^w^

~ The Last Moment with Ryuu~
It has been a long time since I talked about Ryuu. The reason is... I've already told him I gave up on wanting him to be my boyfriend. It's pointless since he doesn't like me. I had been chasing around him like a fool for more than a year. It's just a waste of time. I think it's better to just end everything. Recently I didn't text him either. During lessons he doesn't wanna correct anything that I might had done wrong. He doesn't even wanna stand close to me or look at me in the eye. It's time to give up I guess. He has already started avoiding me. I already told him I'll just work hard to be his good friend as I know I can't be anything else other than that...

Happy B'day to me :)

Hiya~ Yesterday was my b'day actually Today I'm gonna celebrate at a hotel for Japanese cuisine~ Raw salmon and Unagi~ I'm coming~

Btw, many shocking things happened on my b'day... It has been a long time since my period stained onto my school uniform! o__o... It was so embarrassing and luckily that was after school dismissed... /o\... My fellow classmates sang b'day song to me in class. I was touched. And my FB is full of my friends' posting wishes of Happy B'day on my wall. Most importantly, Ryuu's friend, Waterfish, wished me in a very unique manner. He said he created it just for me. How touched~ TvT... But Haruki seems to have forgotten my b'day until I reminded him... =,=... Haru-nii wa BAKA!!! DX Anyway, Ryuu gave me a good laugh. It was the first time that someone said he wants to be the last one to wish me b'day. He was really funny back there. He called me and asked me what time is it. It was 11.59pm. The last minute for my b'day. Awww... Anyway, thanks to everybody for the wishes. Actually, I had a fight with my parents since yesterday... =,=... And I was supposed to attend school now for a pointless Malaysia government's event to encourage us to exercise frequently. I don't need it, obviously... As I already have TKD lessons almost everyday... =,=... So, here's the end~ Will be enjoying my food soon~ Ciao~ ;D

Sacrifice

Hey guys. こんぱんだ♪ヾ(●ω●)ノ”フリフリ [back to writing English] It has been a long time since I last wrote as I was busy the last holidays with activities. m(｡･ε･｡)mｽｲﾏｿ-ﾝ It was fun in YES! Camp. ﾜｸﾜｸ♪o(^o^o)(o^o^)oﾜｸﾜｸ♪ It's a camp for youths to build their self-esteem level and their leadership. The theme of this camp is to appreciate our parents who have care for us and give us the knowledge and wisdom. From there, I've learned a lot. I realized that we should face any problems with all our might. The slogan of this camp is the sky is the limit. Fyi, my brother gave a some-sorta speech before leaving the camp as he left earlier than anyone else. Everybody had tears in their eyes listening to what my brother said. I'm sorry I can't write it down here 'cause it was really long and it relates to our personal matters. Honestly, I cried really hard that day with my brother. Well, the best part was we had fun and made new friends. ((o(・ω・)人(・ω・)o)) ﾅ･ｶ･ﾏ♪ I miss them now... 。・ﾟﾟ･(≧д≦)･ﾟﾟ･｡ｴｰﾝ!!

The worst part for my last holidays was I was actually forced to attend the camp and I needed to reject the invitation for going to the Chocolate Fair with Ryuu~! 《《o(≧◇≦)o》》ｲﾔｧｧｧｧ!!! But, I never regret to attend the camp 'cause it was really meaningful. It was worth going rather than spending time lovey-dovey with Ryuu... ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ♪☆LOVELOVE('∇^*)☆♪｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　Sorry Ryuu... ｍ(｡≧Д≦｡)ｍｽﾏｰﾝ!! I heard from Ryuu that the Choco Fair was the worst 'cause there wasn't anything special there. Btw, my conversation about the choco was heard by my two roommates who are younger than me a lot. However, they are grew up so fast that they know more stuff about relationship than me! ∑(￣ﾛ￣|||)なんと！？

As holidays are over, the hard school days arrived. The days of suffering of a school girl continues. I was rushing with my project. Finally I managed to rush everything off in time. (*´∇｀*) Unfortunately, I haven't attend my Taekwondo lessons for 2 weeks continuously! ｵｫｫｰｰｰ!! w(ﾟﾛﾟ;w(ﾟﾛﾟ)w;ﾟﾛﾟ)w ｵｫｫｰｰｰ!! And since something happened to Ryuu and I, we are both so busy to attend to our issues, we haven't talk nicely with each other for a long time. I think it has been a month or so? Ah... I miss him so much although he doesn't... 恋のｷｭｰﾋﾟｯﾄ(*ﾟｰﾟ)§ｼｭｯ!!━━━ →(*ﾟｰﾟ)ﾝ? (*￣(　　　　　)ﾁｭｳｳｳｳｩｩ♪ Well, my next Taekwondo competition will be up soon so next week I'm going for training for sure! Fight!!(ｏ＾-^)尸~''☆ミ☆ミ

Btw, can anybody answer me why Ryuu doesn't wanna tell me what problem is he facing now? I talked to him about this and I told him it's painful that he didn't treat me as a friend. He said it's not what I think and if I have knew why he couldn't tell me I won't feel pain anymore. He said I'll know about this sooner or later. He doesn't want me to misunderstand him. What is this all about?! ∑(￣ﾛ￣|||)なんと!?

两个月的美梦……结束了……

大家好……▼o･_･o▼ｺﾝﾆﾁﾜﾝ♪ 好怀念这里噢…… 好久没在这里写部落格了~! 希望再次和我的部落格见面不会太迟…… 对不起噢…… 抛弃了你……　ｍ(｡≧Д≦｡)ｍｽﾏｰﾝ!!

最近真的有好多事情发生…… 就那么两个月里，我和他一起两个人出去也有两次了…… 不过现在那些我们一起度过的日子也只是一场好梦…… 没办法…… 只能怪我们没缘啦…… 最痛苦的是…… 我竟然无法忘记他…… 我们又没有交往…… 为何我会那么不舍得我们共同的回忆? 我也不懂…… 我到底对他有何感觉…… 不过这些也都不重要了…… 就像他说的…… 付出≠回报…… 而我就是为他默默付出了大概一年了…… 可是他喜欢的人不是我…… 我也没办法…… 只好放弃了…… 一起在以前跆拳道练习的地方谈心…… 现在那个地方被租主拿回来了，说不租了…… 一起到半山腰坐下来说笑的地方，一起吃晚饭的地方，玩手指的地方，离对方最近的地方…… 也只是一场梦…… 这场梦实在是太美了…… 就是因为太美，才不会永久吧……? 太美的东西不属于我…… 或许属于你吧，我的朋友? 看到你们即将幸福，我也只好放弃去追求…… 默默地为你们祝福…… 在一旁看着你们幸福…… 再见了…… 我曾经如此爱惜的人……